Sylvia asked if Annah could go with us. For a second, I was torn... I had actually wanted Annah to go to this portion of the program again, now that she is 2 years older than the first time she went through it. But, I didn't want Sylvia to feel like Annah was stepping in on time that Sylvia might have felt should be for just her and me. I also knew that if Annah came, the risk of me having to answer certain questions about my own past would be greater. That has made me nervous for the past 13 years! However, I've been praying about that for 13 years, and more specifically recently, and God has been revealing that the time is drawing closer for some kind of ministry related to my story. So, I knew I had to be open and prepared.
Sherry's presentation was wonderful. She is always a joy to hear from, and presents difficult subjects in such a loving way. Today, she gave a "gift" beautifully wrapped in gold to her daughter Brooke to represent the gift of purity that God gave her. Brooke's goal was to cross the room and get to the wall on the opposite side, which represented her wedding day, and still have that beautiful gift untarnished, unopened, and ready to give to her husband. About a dozen girls volunteered to come forward to hold signs representing the noise and distractions of the world (tv, music, friends, jokes, lies, media, etcetera) that can be obstacles to reaching that goal. Sherry talked about how each of those things can have a negative impact and can push away from the goal. Then, she went back through each of the items and talked about how girls can make choices and use each of those same things as a tool to help her reach the goal of being able to give her husband the beautiful gift of her purity, saved for him on their wedding day. I loved that it was presented with encouragement, not just a list of rules and things not to do. It really showed the girls that their all of their decisions are important.
After Sherry's presentation, the girls were able to submit written questions and the presenters answered them. The girls were also given a special Commitment to Purity card that they could choose to sign. They were encouraged not to sign it just because their moms were staring at them, but to really consider the commitment and pray about their decision. Both Annah and Sylvia signed their cards, and I watched with tears.
When we got into the car, we had our own question/answer time. The girls and I keep pillow journals (Don't remember where I got that idea, but this explains it.), and Sylvia had written 11 questions for me over the week and had brought them in her journal. The girls were both asking about Jesus' birth, and were confused as to how it was part of God's plan if Mary and Joseph weren't married. It was a neat opportunity to explain that Jesus was conceived by the Holy Spirit and that Mary was still a virgin even after Jesus' birth. They were so amazed, and it was beautiful to see that piece of understanding at the same time mixed with still not being able to comprehend how awesome God's plan really is!
After a few more questions, Annah flat out asked, "Mom did you and Daddy wait, or were you pregnant for your wedding, because I figured it out and I was born just a few months after."
There it was--the question I have been dreading and praying about for 13 years, 1 month, 1 week, and 6 days.
God, how do I explain to my daughter that she was conceived in sin and in love?? How will she and her siblings process this with their childlike minds? How do I explain that even though our sin was turned into blessing, God still expects everyone to keep their purity for marriage?? I have prayed so many prayers that God would give me just the right words for this...
And, so at that moment, I cried. (Thankfully, my children are used to this!) And I told the truth. No, we didn't wait. We sinned.
BUT, in the face of an unexpected, unwanted pregnancy we repented and turned back to God, and because of that He blessed us more than we could have ever imagined by making us parents! Today, I looked into my precious daughter's eyes, and told her first that she was one of THE VERY BEST things ever to happen in my life, and I am so thankful for her! And, today, she had a little bit deeper understanding of how huge that statement is! Because of Annah, God changed my heart, increased my capacity for love, and I learned that I wanted more children! And He blessed us with THREE!!!
The girls and I talked about all kinds of things, and the discussion continued with Jeremy after we got home.
I told them how I never thought I wanted to be a mother. I thought I did not like children at all, and had never really liked being around them. I knew nothing about caring for children, let alone being a mother. I cried myself to sleep nearly every night of my pregnancy because I was so afraid of being a mother.
I told them that, even though I didn't think I wanted a baby at the time, we knew the only choice that was right was to have the baby and accept the responsibility of becoming parents. The other choices [and the consequences of them] were unthinkable to us. And even though we weren't walking with Jesus like we knew we should have been at that time, we still knew we had to accept the outcome of our sin and do the right thing in God's eyes from then on. We knew what God wanted us to do next, and even though we were scared, turning back to God gave us strength. We knew enough to know trusting God from there on out was the best plan. And we have been so blessed!
I told the girls about how their daddy was so strong and brave when I was weak and scared and totally overcome by shame. From the second our lives changed, he made the right choices, comforted and encouraged me, supported me. He told me it would be okay. He let me cry on him. He drove me home and was the one who told my parents the news when I didn't have the heart to break theirs. He loved me the entire time. He made incredibly difficult decisions to benefit our family. He has continually led our family toward God.
I told them how God completely changed my heart after Annah was born, and showed me what a miracle children are. Learning to love a child, has definitely helped me understand how God loves me so immensely and unconditionally.
I told them that we expect them to do better than we did. That still feels almost hypocritical, and so hard to explain. But, God does expect them to keep their purity for marriage, so we have to tell them.
I told them of the hypocrisy and guilt we have carried, the shame and sorrow over our actions and failure to obey God completely. Even though God has forgiven us and forgotten the sin to the bottom of the ocean floor, it will always be a part of our story. Guilt will always try to sneak back up on me. But, we have already had the opportunity to share parts of our story with others, and we have encouraged others in similar situations. God is the Master of using imperfect people to bring glory to himself!
So, it was a difficult day, but blessed because God was with us and helping us. There will be many more conversations, I'm sure--and I hope! But, after taking this difficult step today, it feels good to be completely honest with Annah and Sylvia. It also opens more doors for the Lord to use our story to minister to others without having to worry about parts of it "getting back to" the girls. He is growing us all, praise His name!
"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 NIV
2 comments:
Beautiful testimony. Love you most!
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